December 10th, 2011

I will never forget this day.

So, she got in trouble for not putting make up on then gets her phone taken away without warning. Assuming, her parents read our texts and put two and two together. They found out. I get a text from Kuya "This is Desi dad. Her phone will be off for a while. Don't text don't call." then few seconds later I receive this from him "and you Jaron have a ton of explaining to do to me and Ate. Desi is only 15 and your 18". My heart stops and crashes. I never thought this day would come. I'm not prepared, nor do I know what to say to them when I confront them. There is no hope.

Day 10: One Confession

I am with a girl three years younger than I.

Day Nine: Two Smileys that Describe your life right now

=) : December 8th, 2011. Our 17 Months together.

-___- : I didn't sleep yet and it's 5:37AM. I have put so much hard work into this week of school. We fought so much, and laughed a lot. But I'm glad that this week is almost over.

Day Eight: Three Turn Ons

1. Cute!
2. Good Sense of Humor!
3. Fun!

Day Seven: Four Turn Offs

1. SMOKES. just gross
2. I like classy girls, so cussing with every other word. I know you can get mad and that's okay for the most part.
3. She not cute.
4. If she dresses hoe-ish

Day Six: Five People Who Mean A Lot (not particular order)

1. Parents.
2. Desi.
3. Rachel.
4. My Sister.
5. Anthony Jacob

Day Five: Six Things You Wish You'd Never Done

1. Get lazy in school
2. Stopped taking art classes after 6th grade
3. Be Shy
4. Push away my parents from my life
5. Distant myself from those close to me
6. Be afraid

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. My Parents
2. My Family
3. Desi
4. My Future
5. My Happiness
6. The thought of how will I be in 10 years
7. I miss being home.

Day 3: Eight Ways to Win Your Heart

1. Be attractive. You may think I'm just being shallow or whatever, but I don't think so. I mean a girl has to be somewhat attractive and cute. This doesn't mean they have to be really good looking. All I'm asking for is just to be clean, you know good hygiene and all that good stuff, and you have to look presentable. Although, good looks are always a plus! =)

2. Have a good sense of humor. A lot of people tell me that I'm funny or say funny things, so if i crack a joke of something laugh every once in a while. haha As long as a girl can acknowledge good humor and laugh at funny things. Knowing how to laugh and being able to laugh is a sign that you are comfortable. And you have to make me laugh!

3. Put up with me. I am really hard headed and stubborn. I make everything complicated and what not. But if a girl can put up with all the crap I give her then she's a keeper. It takes a lot to put up with me, my own mom can't put up with me hahaha so if you can put up with my crap, you're a real trooper!

4. Be level-headed and driven. I like a girl that has her priorities set straight. She knows what she wants and knows how to get it. A girl that is focused is much more attractive then a girl who doesn't know what she is doing.

5. Be fun. I like a girl that knows how to have fun. She can live it up. I mean don't get me wrong she has to know when it's appropriate to be serious and when to have fun. If she can be fun then there really won't be anything we will be bored.

6. Be smart. Can't be having no dumb girls.

7. Love my family. If you can't appreciate the people that I love the most, then you don't deserve my appreciation either. My family is the most important thing in my world.

8. Do not be clingy. There is a fine line between being clingy and just liking someone a lot. Sometimes, I need my space too and so do you. Being clingy just gets annoying.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Tuesday:
So, I came back to Norfolk around 5pm on Tuesday (November 22). Janae, Ate, and I went to PCC and took the classes thought by Jasmine Artis! It was fun, but the choreo was kinda hard for me. haha It was just fast and I couldn't grasp it. I was trying though!! Then we home because Ate had school the next day. So we just chill and I wait for Marjorie to come in town. But her flight was delayed to 2am! I fell asleep for about an hour then my dad wakes me up to go to the airport. So yeah, we pick her up and then head back to the house. I put High School Musical 3 in the DVD player and immediately fall asleep, granted this was like 4am. -___-

Wednesday:
Wake up like noon, so tired! Then we get some Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch cause Marjorie wanted some chicken! She calls me asking me to go get her a Cookies N' Cream milkshake from Chik-Fil-A -___- So we go get some for everyone and get to the house at like 4pm cause we had a performance at like 645pm in Downtown Norfolk. It was a while since I last performed!

Thursday:
Thanksgiving!!! I spent the whole day with the people I'm most thankful for, my family. It was the usual thanksgiving day, lunch and dinner at Auntie Mercy's.Then we go home and leave to go to the mall at 11pm so we can go Black Friday shopping! It was my first time!

Friday:
Me and her are fighting, it sucks. She isn't in the mood cause her mom is with her. And I'm just getting hungry and sleepy and cranky. We end up leaving the mall at like 5am and going home. We end up fighting really bad. So Janae, Ate, and I end up going to her football game at 730pm at the Sportsplex. Regional Championship against Oscar Smith. I promised her in the summer I would go to one of her football games. I was so happy to see her and go to one of her games. Although, Salem lost by one point. She was upset they lost. Janae and Ate formulated a plan where it was me and Desi in one car and them two in another. Probably best plan they ever came up with. We really didn't know how to get back home, but we eventually found it out haha We finally talked everything out. She cried and I was about to cry. I didn't like seeing her cry. But we fix everything and everything goes good. I can get used to holding her hand while I drive. I loved looking over to the passenger seat and seeing her. It was just a good time with her. She seemed so happy!

Saturday:
Spent the day with Angeles, Matt and Mommy and Ate ate Navy Exchange. It was fun, then parents went to Ocean Downs for the night. And YFAMD came over to celebrate Christian's 20th Birthday a day early. It was really fun having everyone over again and so relaxing. AJ and Matt slept over. Desi said I am such a dad cause of the way I took care of AJ. But when they all had to leave, I got really sad. I didn't want the weekend to end. I knew I was gonna miss her.

Day 2: Nine Things About Yourself

1. I am very hard headed: I probably am as difficult as it gets. I am also stubborn, bring stubborn and hard headed are probably two of the worse character traits to have haha

2. I am shy: Though, I am only shy around people I just meet or haven't known for a while. It may take a while for me to warm up to you, or it may just take seconds. It really depends who introduces me to you and how the first impression goes. Usually, if I feel you are judgmental or intimidating then I will be really shy and it may take a while for me to open up. But if I am not concerned by you, then I will be really crazy around you.

3. I care about everyone: Sometimes, I care about certain people too much. They probably don't need my concern and then once I realize it then begin to think I'm brand new.

4. I am really lazy: Yeah haha. I can get really lazy especially around the house doing chores. I know it's bad. Also, with school I always don't have any passion to do it. I just get tired of going to school and I really must have an inspiration and passion into something in putting my all into it.

5. I love sports! I love the NBA, and am a passionate fan. I like just being active in general and I'm down to play any kind of sports. I played Varsity Tennis and Varsity Volleyball in High School. I also wrestled in middle school. I do wish I put more effort and dedication into it in middle school, so I could've pursued it in high school. Who knows, maybe I could've been good! I love sports more than school, enough said. Haha

6. I am family oriented! Family is my first priority over anything. Nothing will ever be more important than them. I have grown up around them and that's all I really ever knew. I love them, and I will do anything to protect these wonderful people in my lives.

7. I really enjoy kids: I love playing with them. They are so energetic and outgoing. I like them cause they are so easily amused! They can make me smile and change my day around. One day, I aspire to become an amazing father to my own children. They will be my world, next to my wife, and I will make sure they live a better life than I did because that's what my dad is doing for me and my sister right now.

8. I am really simple. Well I like to think so! haha I mean it doesn't take a lot to make me smile and make me happy. I don't ask for much and I am really flexible with things. I know I make a lot of things complicated, sometimes it's because it's funny, but that is how I am. I think making things complicated adds another dimension into my world of thinking and perspectives.

9. I surround myself around people that I wish to be like or have a good vibe. Most of my friends are true characters. Each one has their own voice and makes them very unique from each other. The other part of my friends are people who I look up too. They are either dedicated to their craft, or hard working, etc. I try to learn from them so I can work on that trait so I can add it to my repertoire of traits.

Day 1: Ten Things You Want to Say to Ten Different People Right Now

1. You are so characteristically strong. Putting up with Ate's and my crap everyday. Also, dealing with me and your husband gone. I know it isn't easy. I know I haven't been that great of a son to you and I'm sorry. I'm trying.

2. I know leaving this family for several months each year is hard on you and it's hard on us too. Thank you for putting your life on the line just so we can have a better life than you did. You stand for courage and strength for me. I miss you being around everyday. I intend, someday, to be as determined and strong minded as you are.

3. You are my best friend. You may not think so, but we are! I have given so much of my time and effort in you and I do not regret it one bit. You should know everything already, so all I'm gonna say is I love you.

4. You guys need to chill out. She is already under so much stress and pain because of you. Maybe if you learned how to be better parents and quit begin so naive about how your own daughter feels and is being treated maybe she could be a much happier person. She doesn't like either of you.

5. I don't know what it is about you but you get on my nerves a lot of times. Sometimes the way you carry yourself and the things you say and do annoy me.

6. All I want to say is thank you. You are one of those people I feel that I can lean on when times get rough. I love you!!

7. I know after all the times I joke you and call you weird, it's only out of love! The talk we had on the way back up to VCU was meaningful. I know that I can trust you and can talk to you about anything. I'm always gonna be here for you. You're family and family comes first.

8. You are one of the youngest in this huge family. You have so much to learn! Remember we are family and we will be judgmental and hard on you. It's how it is. We all go through it. I promise to take care of you as my own child. I'll teach you everything I know, and hope you turn into an amazing man when you grow up.

9. Honestly, you are an inspiration to me. You are so dedicated and hard working to your work that I envy that. I want to be like that. You are a role model for me, but you don't know that.

10. We aren't as close as we used to be but I know I still can count on you to be there. You are a good friend and I got your back and I know you got mine.

reality check. forrealz

I make mistakes, yeah. I say things that shouldn't have been said, and I mess up a lot. I will probably keep messing up, but one thing I know is that I love you. I wanna be with you, forever. I told you that and I mean it. If you are willing to accept me for me than I'm glad. Because I know i say stupid shit, I know I fuck up, I know I don't think before I speak, I know you say mean things, I know i'm a jerk, i know i'm a dumb ass, i know i have insecurities and let them get to my head, i know its really hard to trust someone, i know i need reassurance from you every once in a while.

If you can't accept my flaws, my mistakes, my wrong doings, and most importantly if you cannot accept me for me than what are you doing here?

I'm sorry that I make mistakes. I talk without knowing how much it will effect you. I just say whatever. I fuck up, a lot. But if you can see that I can make up for it then that's great. I told you I'm a pain in the ass. I told you that I'm a screw up. I told you that it's gonna be really hard dealing with me. But I chose you because I felt you were a strong enough person to handle it. With you, I felt nothing like how I ever felt with anyone else. You, made me go crazy. I don't know what else to say, I fell for you, hard.

Monday November 7th 2011

A day before our 16th months.
I'm sorry.
Yesterday I told you that I didn't trust you.
But today, you told me you would take me back.
I'm grateful for this day.

So what happened was that we've been fighting so much lately and I really don't know why. You're stressed out and I know i'm getting on your nerves everyday. I always the wrong things and get mad or upset for no reason. I pretty much just make everything worse. So when you went to LA, we barely talked. It sucked. I was so sad, I was home, no one to talk too. All I could do was just wait for your text, but I pretty much never got one. I was hurt. I felt like I was forgotten, even replaced. I hated my fall break. I still can't sleep. Then we fought for about another week. Still, barely talking. Then you told me, that some kid was flirting with you. Why didn't you tell me this once you got home? Like I wanted to know. You waited for a week! But then you said, you were avoiding him and didn't like how he was flirting with you. Okay, I understand. I don't mind that. Just next time please tell me once someone tries to flirt with you Then things got worse. You told me you thought about having feelings for one of them Future Shock guys for a day. WTF!?!? you thought about having feelings?! that's pretty much saying you did. My heart broke after you said that. It still is partially broken. This is why I don't trust you. I don't know when you are going to eventually give up and take the easy way out and go for one of them. No I don't think you're a cheater or a hoe. I don't know why you think that, I really don't think you are. I just am hurt you thought about having feelings for someone else besides me. Then you said you realized that you only liked me and me only. Which is good. I feel that whole situation was left unsaid. Now, this upcoming weekend some of the guys are sleeping over at your house. I don't feel comfortable with it, but that doesn't mean I don't trust you. Geeez. I just don't like it, but like I said I will get over it. I know nothing will happen. I know you aren't like that. Right now I'm still hurt.

But you choose to give me another try. I'm glad about that. But we have so much to work on. Everything needs to be said between us. We both need to come to an understanding about each other. We're two completely different people going through difficult times in our lives and we both need to understand each other. We need to work on communicating so much better. I can trust you again, I'm serious. If everything doesn't get better anytime soon, I don't know how much longer we, or us, can last. Somethings need to change. It sucks that we're both apart from each other. I don't see you but for only like once or twice a month. I can't call you on the phone, and if you do its only for a minute or less. I can't hang out with just you. Long distance relationship sucks. But I got into it because of you. I love you. I feel like you're worth it at. I put everything down on the line just for you. You are the only thing I ever worked hard for. I stay persistent all the time, I don't do that for anything else. I give up at everything if I don't naturally do good at it. With you, I can constantly working to better myself so that we can work. I try to do everything I can do so you can be happy. You changed my life.

But is this true love? Will it work out in the end and get better?
Or will it falter? Was this just our first love? Will we just end up as friends like how we did the first time?
I guess only time will tell.

Fall Break October 19th-October 23rd

So I got home around 7pm Wednesday night, dropped off Raymond and Rayneil then Matt and Colin. We headed over to the YFAMD house just for a lil bit, Colin followed soon after. We chilled there for a good 30mins, got to see Desi. It wasn't what we wanted but I mean at least I got to see her before she left Thursday morning for LA. I'm glad I did get to see her though. Yeah, so I stayed up til 2:30am just to wake her up for her flight, but she didn't wake up until 3am. Haha oh well.

Wednesday October 19th, 2011

Because of you, my life has changed.

Monday, October 10th 2011

Today, she told me this.

"I never met a guy who is willing to talk to me even tho he knows that there isn't a way to be together. I never met a guy who really thinks I'm amazing and will do anything to make me happy. I never met a guy who tries so hard to see me when he's home from college. I never met a guy who likes to tease me on Skype and change in front of the camera. I never met a guy who makes me feel like a better person. I never met a guy who could turn my worst days upside down. I never met a guy that I could really be myself around. I never met a guy who loves me. Until I met you."

Then she told me this.

"I'm better at showing you how much I do. Then telling you. I love you so much I'm willing to risk getting caught every time I walk in your room. I love you so much that I wear your clothes to sleep. I love you so much that I want to be together forever. I miss you. I love you so much that I cry every night just waiting for you to come here. I love you a lot."

This made my day.
I love this girl, no one will ever know how much she means to me.

Sunday, October 9th 2011

Today, her parents talked to her about boys. They said she can have a boyfriend, but no older than 16. We think they have an idea about us.

We almost split up. She was crying her eyes out and I was shaking.

But we fixed it, and are still together.

I'm grateful for this day.

Saturday, October 8th 2011.

Today, I told her I love her.
She loves me too.

It's our 15months being together.

Desiree Giselle Jimenez.

Fifteen months and I do not regret a thing. You are such a blessing to be in my life right now. I cannot picture myself with anyone else but you. Desi, you complete me. You should already know everything I like about you therefore I'm not going to waste my time in repeating myself. We have went through so much shit just to be with each other, and you are worth every single moment of my life. I know our future is rather shady, but I guarantee if you and I continue to fight through whatever comes our way we can stay together forever. I want you and I know you want me. These fifteen months have been nothing but easy and look you and I are still together. I care about you so much and I hope you care about me just as much. This college thing won't be easy for either of us, but we don't need it to be easy, only possible right? I hope you and I never stop fighting for each other. I want you to be by my side when we're old and grey. Baby, you're my everything! I always miss you even for being apart for only a couple minutes. I know our relationship isn't the easiest to maintain or be in, but trust me if you stay with me I'm worth every minute of it. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I love you, Desi.

Love,
Jaron.

Wednesday, September 28 2011

the day we pinky promised to not break each others heart. :)

Sept. 5th 2011

Where should I start?!

So much has happened since my last post. And I don't even know if I can cover the details. It has been such an adventure the summer. Well let's see, I graduated! Now I am in my dorm room at VCU. The summer was great, very good summer. From the Mr. Pogi Pageant to Fil-Am Fest. All were great times. Then my freakin' surprise party for my 18th birthday!! Man they got me good! hahaha it was supposed to be going to the beach with Gigi then cheesecake factory and then a movie. Well I woke up got a scratch card then i cancelled the beach plans. So me, Ate, and Gigi went to cheesecake factory it was great! then we watched Bad Teacher with Jesse. Then Ate Rissa asked if I wanted to go swimming, hey i was down for it. But my mom said we were going out to eat at like J Dilla or something. So I walked in Ate Rissa's house and BAM everyone is there. I was so shocked and surprised. Like I didn't know how to act, I stood frozen. haha That was a great birthday. Oh, Desi got a tattoo on my birthday too. haha Then I played for BKS for Fil-Am, wasn't what I expected but good for experience and what not. It was fun. So Desi and I. The day after my last post, we sorted it out and our plan was to just keep talking and see what happened. Now that was just a load of bullcrap because you know neither of us wanted to leave the other. So it was really good with her, and she has been treating me great. We have our fights and what not, but hey every good couple does. So yeah, saying bye to her was really really tough. But after weeks here, I got to see her. Just Friday, it was Steph's surprise party. So I decided to surprise Desi too. I told her I couldn't go to the party because I'm spending time with family. HAHA she believe me! She was so mad, but she was so happy to see me. We played hide and seek that day. That was a great first day back. Then the Saturday, it was Rachel's get together at her house. We swam in the pool and played manhunt. Me and Desi and Rachel had a great walk around the neighboorhood. Sorry, Rachel probably felt as a third wheel. So yeah it was a great time seeing her and everyone else. I really felt missed. Desi and I are on great terms right now. She even made Future Shock. But was there really any doubt? She's been there for me. Our 14 months will be on Thursday Sept. 8th. It's been a really good 14 months. I couldn't ask for anyone else but her. She's amazing, and beautiful. She makes me smile and laugh. She gives me butterflies and keeps me speechless. I really miss her right now.

Time to say my Goodbyes before my 18th birthday

Hey there! J

First things first, I just wanted to say that I am glad I met such a wonderful person like you and I’m very grateful to have you in my life. Yes we kinda ended on a bad note but hopefully this note/letter is able to clear some of it up or at least help. Desiree (I know you hate it, but I thought it sounded better with your full first name haha), you are an amazing person. You are multi-talented (If you didn’t noticed XD), and outgoing. You are funny, and vibrant. You just know how to brighten up a certain someone’s day just when it’s going completely wrong. You have the cutest smile that I simply adore XD. I love the fact that you are such an inspiration to kids and those people around you. Honestly, without you, the people around you may not even function properly. (That sounds weird but hey bare just take it as a compliment!) You are such a hard worker and very determined, I’m mad that nobody ever gives you credit about it, so here you go. You are well driven, and I know that you will be such a huge success in the future, and I have no doubt in my mind about that. I can’t believe the trouble that we put ourselves in just to talk to each other, and I probably have to say that it was definitely worth it. I’m glad you stuck around even though people told you not to talk to me. I didn’t think I was THAT bad of a person haha. But Wow I didn’t think once meeting you that you would’ve became so special to me. Though we didn’t both get what we wanted in the end, I understand that you just want to keep everyone else happy. Honestly, I applaud you for that, and I bet you those people won’t realize that you made a huge sacrifice just to make them happy. But next time you are in this situation where the risk is your happiness or everyone else’s happiness, please please please make your happiness the first priority. They will have to suck it up and be happy because you’re happy. I want you know that I’m neither mad nor upset about this situation anymore, I just want you happy from now on. You’ve went through so much throughout your lifetime and you deserve to be nothing but happy. One day, you’ll find that one guy, the right guy for you. He’ll be such a lucky guy to have you, and he better treat you right! No matter what kinda stuff you go through or the obstacles you may have to overcome, stay strong like you always are and you will get through it. Always remember to keep your head up when things go and get tough. Always remember to smile and show the world that beautiful face of yours. Always remember to be yourself. Always remember that you have the power to do anything you want to do, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. I won’t forget those times you were so mean to me, and when I was mean to you too. I won’t forget your smile, nor will I forget how I get butterflies every time I see you. I won’t forget how happy you made me feel, talking to you and seeing you were always the highlights of my day. I won’t forget us holding hands, or our hugs. I won’t forget you calling me a “loser” or “jerk” or “babe” or “baby”. I won’t forget when you would always try to fight me, when you know you didn’t stand a chance against me, haha just kidding. I won’t forget the times you tell me you can beat me at something or I suck at something. Haha. I hope you understand how much you really mean to me. You are one special girl, trust me. I hate having to say goodbye, but hopefully we’ll be able to be cool the next time we see each other. You definitely made this past year great, especially on my birthday! I cannot thank you enough for everything, so Thank You!! And lastly, I hope you will always remember me because I will always remember you.

From, Sincerely, and With love, JARON

P.S. IF you ever do forget me, for some reason haha, hopefully you read this note again and it reminds you. This doesn’t have to remind you of me or anything, but I want it to serve only as a reminder of how great of a person you truly are. And how special of a person you are, even though you say you’re not, stop lying to yourself kid. Finally, I hope you go on to reach your goals and do whichever you aspire to do. And I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

P.S.S. I will really miss you! If you ever need someone, I’m only a text/call away!

P.S.S.S. Hope you like it!

"heyy you are probably sleeping right now. But im sorry you had to go through this too. You have dealt with so much hell to just talk to me and in the end all we can be is just friends. Im sorry youve wasted your time on me. You could have someone so much better then me right now. I should of never kept talking to you. But im dumb. Well im going to sleep now. I just wanted to let you know this. Good night."

i replied.

" Actually i didnt go to sleep, ive just been sitting here thinking and finished up that movie my sister and i were watching. this whole situation is just so hard for me to grasp. i really havent done that much nor gone through hell just to talk to a girl. yes i know all we can be is friends, that concept will have to grow on me too haha. i didnt waste my time on you. if all this never happened, i wouldn't have met you :) your not dumb. we talked and nothing can change that. i wanted to be with you, which is why i stuck around for so long, but having you there just to talk to and having somoene i could rely on to make my day brighter was so much better. anyways, goodnight once again. sorry if this 6 some text wakes you up. haha my bad"

so i felt relieved leaving her with this. but it still hurts to know the fact, WE can't be.

I'm sorry that I'm not good at leaving you.
I'm sorry that I can't let you go so easily.
I'm sorry that I made your life difficult.
I'm sorry that I care for you so much.
I'm sorry that I have so much feelings for you.
I'm sorry that I wanted to talk to you.
I'm sorry that I held your hand.
I'm sorry that I disrupted your life.
I'm sorry that for everything that happened between us in the past.
I'm sorry that we happened.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry.

So once I turn 18 on July 8, it's gonna be all said and done here.
Basically, since you're under 18 we cannot talk like that anymore
It'll just be like before but under different circumstances.
No one forced us into it, and we will really stop talking this time.
This feeling really sucks, I'm not good at this type of things.
Saying "goodbye" and putting feelings to a halt, isn't my thing.
Especially cause of the fact that we were basically together.
I hate this, I hate this.
What hurts me the most is you saying that us not talking anymore won't phase you.
It's like saying you didn't really have genuine feelings for me.
It's like saying you didn't really like me
It's like saying you don't care about me
It's like you never liked me.
Do you know how much this hurts?
Do you know how much it kills me to know that on a day of celebration, I have to suck it up and act like it's not killing me inside that you won't be there for me.
I understand we will be friends, but I don't want you just as my friend.
This is killing me.

If I hadn't expressed my emotion to you before
I would gladly explain and describe the details of you I absolutely adore.
You got that sparkle in your eye, and that swag in your step.
We were digging each other from the first time our eyes met.
Girl, you present yourself well and it makes you more attractive.
I must admit, do what you're doing and you mustn't quit.
Talents from the arts,
you also know how to break guys' body parts.
No need to think nasty, just talking about breakin' necks
Similarities or differences we somehow still connect.
You know how to cheer me up, put a big smile on my face.
But you piss me off, and make me wanna hit you with a briefcase.
I hope I'm able to make you smile too,
for I say somethings to make myself seem like a fool.
So chill and hyper,
I think I may like her.
Turning my cheeks bright red, she makes me nervous.
I can make her laugh, but never on purpose.
She finds humor in my flaws, but that's okay
as long as she's in my life I'll listen to whatever she has to say.

Why is it that we have great days and just bad days whenever we talk? One day it is if everything is just fine and dandy, then the next is like awkward and horrible. This whole thing is so confusing. Now I realize that you don't think anything is going on between us, well from what you told me. I don't know, I, I mean we, have plenty of things to think about for the next two and a half months. I'm just confused about everything you know? I wish we had kept the relationship we had since last summer, but we didn't. Things happened, we both have changed. I wonder what you tell other people about me, like I wonder about what you say about me and about everything. How do I know you aren't just telling me what I wanna hear so we won't end up fighting again? Now now, this isn't a trust issue, of course not, it's just an insecurity that I have. You are extremely special to me and important. You may get on my last nerve, but I cannot be mad at you forever. I feel like I can tell you everything. You know how to make me smile, and talking to you brightens up my day. I told you all of this, but it seems like now the feelings aren't mutual. I don't know anymore, I know you don't either but this is killing me. This over analyzing and repetitive thinking of the same situation is getting old. It annoys me, how do I not know what to do? It makes me change my mind constantly, and now I'm unsure of what I want. But nevertheless, sooner or later a decision is gonna have to be made. For the better or worse, it will happen.

May 26th 2011

So graduation is in a few days. I don't wanna say goodbye to anyone. I don't like it. And move-in day will be so sad, I hope I don't cry. I miss will everyone. Especially a select few. I am so glad you and I are back on good terms. Even though we are confused on our situation, and don't know what to do, I am glad we still talk. You are like my best friend. Honestly, I haven't told you that but you are. You are supportive of me and my choices and always there to talk too. I'm so sorry that I can't fix all your problems for you, trust me if I could, I would. I don't know what it is about you that makes me keep coming back. I don't even know what will happen when I leave for VCU, I hope you don't forget me. You will meet so many other guys, better guys than me and worse guys. But I don't know if any other guy will put up the effort and go through the things I have gone through just to be with you. And the funny thing is, we didn't even go out! haha But yeahh I won't forget you. I thought today what if neither of us lose the feelings we have for each other, that will be so crazy. But we'd have to wait til you are 18. haha I honestly, wouldn't mind spending a long time with you. I feel like you make me a better person. I really care about you still. I don't know kid, I hope you feel the same as me. But I doubt it, there are better guys and better looking than I am. So next year, I will be the least of your worries and of everyone elses. I wish you nothing but the best for the future.

May 8th 2011

So there has been a lot that been going on in my life lately. With graduation in less than a month, prom, performances to family problems and personal problems, my life could not be in the position it is in with out all these things. Prom is this Friday and pretty excited about it, I'm taking my friend Sherlyn. I don't know what are the before and after prom plans, but I wanna have a good time and party. Lately, my photography "business" has kicked off and have had two gigs in the past two weeks. I'm still an amateur, so forgive me people, and I am still constantly learning about everything. The plans for college next year are as follows, Major: Undecided; School: Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU). I might switch into the Business Program and major in Business Administration. I also have interests in minoring in Photography, if it is possible. I am very excited to graduate and am very anxious. So just lately have things have cleared up with me and Desi. We have finally talked about everything that possibly left question marks above our heads. I'll quote her too.

Me: why do you act like nothing happened between us

Desi: cause thats what i do i dont know. so its not award with everyone else and i dont want to ruin the relationship we have with Megan and the relationship you have with Christian.

Me:oh okay cause im just like idk how you can just act like nothing happened. it was just strange to me

Desi: i told you im not like all those other girls. if something happened between us then it did. it doesnt have to affect everyone. like honestly when it got very awkward between us every time we saw each other everyone started to noticing so yeah thats why i started to act like normal like nothing ever happened.

Me: when did it get awkward?

Desi: when right after we stopped talking and if we did see each other we wouldnt say hi or anthing i knew you were upset or mad at me i just was like ohh okay guess i wont say hi

Me: ohh yeahh i was yeahh

Desi: yeahh and about my phone dieing and crap i wasnt lieing to you if you thought i was which probably you do but yeah i wasnt

Me: oh im not mad about that, i was but when you told me you werent i believe you. sorry i thought that.

Desi: then what were you mad about you knew there was nothing going to happen and i told you that

Me: i was mad about that whole thing when you told me you liked some other kid like a week later. to me i felt that, that whole time we talked meant nothing to you. you meant a lot to me and it was hard for me to get over that.

Desi: are you talking about ian? i knew that kid since like 6 or 7th grade. when we talked it did mean something to me. i was upset too but everyone told me to get over it so i did. i never forgot what happened between us you meant a lot to me too. everyone already prepared me for what to do if i did start talking to someone and if it would end then just get over it. thats why i dont really show or say how i feel or anything like that anymore.

Me: oh okay well then im sorry that i acted like that. i should have been so mad about that. i didnt know.

Desi: yeah you dont understand how much everyone was on my case about you

Me: ohhh i m sorry i didnt mean too. i didnt know talking/liking you was gonna cause that much controversy. like i said im sorry about all this and it was my fault.

Desi: yeah im sorry everyone if over protective and its not your fault. dont blame yourself.

Me: Yeah i should have stopped when i found out your age.

Desi: Yeahh me too so technically its both our faults in the first place.

So this is how the conversation went, it definitely made my perspective on that whole situation better. But you know still some shady areas, like how are you going to only give me the excuse that you known that kid since 6th or 7th grade for liking him a week after we stopped talking. like it just doesn't make sense. Yes i know that we have a vast difference in maturity. Maturity as in how well you handle situations and have much experience you have with other people. I mean you have never gotten into a relationship, in fact I was the first person you actually talked too. I have only been in two relationships, and the one with you was so much different. You were almost like my best friend. I could trust you with anything, talk to you about everything. But now i guess we're just like strangers, again. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY) It sucks from having the person you care about the person just like disappear in a second. I missed you. But now, it feels like its a whole new ball game, things changed. I changed, You changed, We've changed. Things won't ever be nearly as they used to be. The thing is everyone basically put me down and discouraged you in talking to me. It was ridiculous. I know it wasn't right in the first place talking to someone three years younger than i was. But it happened, and you guys got in the way of our true feelings. We could withstand it after couple months, but then the constant nagging and talks were annoying. Now granted, they haven't actually talked to me about it, she would tell me what would happen after they gave her the talk. I understand their perspective though, trying to protect her from other guys trying to hurt her, but I mean you guys barely know me. I wasn't that type of guy to hurt her, or take advantage of her. That's not me. I just wanted her simply in my life. She made me happy, and talking to her like that summer was, I was content. I didn't need an official relationship with her, because the one we were sharing was the best one. I was heartbroken when everything stopped. We stopped all talking and communication. Didn't see each other for months. My life felt like it stopped and came to an end. I guess you could say I'm still heartbroken. I was so upset that it came to an end, i avoid any way to seeing you in person. For a long time, I did not even want to see your face or talk to you. It was like I was in disgust, I was bitter. I'm sorry for the trouble I have caused you, and stress.

I just remembered the whole thing when you stop liking me then a week later you told me you liked someone else. I was so hurt. I felt that like the whole thing between us basically meant nothing to you. I thought that that was a punch in the face saying that I don't need you. I can't believe I forgot about it. I'm still mad about it

Feb. 21-22 2011

[I know your day hasn't been the greatest, but I hope I at least put a smile on your face today.]

Life has been going pretty good. My passion for photography has grown immensely. I got accepted into Old Dominion University, and I am anxiously waiting to see if I got into the Studio Arts program. The All Star Weekend was great, the entire weekend. The Dunk Contest was good, Blake and McGee set the bar really high, and put creativity to a new definition. So about this girl. haha Always about this girl. So I don't know why I still like you but I do. I smile everytime I see your name pop up on my phone when you text me. You're just THAT type of girl, I honestly think that I could see us in the long run. But then again I turn 18 soon, so that prediction seems pretty slim to none. I dont' know but it's just crazy that I think about you all the time. You're the one I hope to see text me when everytime my phone goes off. Hopefully the way I feel about you, is the way you feel about me, too. I just hate this right now. I want things to go back to how they were before. But now it gets me thinking am I in love [not really, for the lack of better words.] with you or am I in love with the memories. I really confused right now.

I just want you happy.

I really do, I'm tired of seeing you miserable. I just want you happy, at this point I don't care what the circumstances are or what makes you happy. But honestly, I want you to stay in my life. Right now is good what is going on, hopefully you still feel the same way as before. If not, then oh well. But talking everyday is fine with me than not talking to you at all. I don't know, you consistently put a smile on my face whenever I talk to you and yes I really don't know why. We could be talking about something completely random and redundant and I'll end up smiling just because your name pops up on my phone. I really haven't felt like this towards any girl before. I wish there weren't those specific obstacles we had to overcome during the summer because it really put us into a tough situations from the get-go. Which really sucked. You're one of the few that actually understands me, the few that really I can say I trust, and someone I can actually count on. This is one of the things that I really like about you, besides the fact that you are outgoing, talented, funny, obnoxious (haha), and very very chill.

First Semester of this school year is finally over. Finals went great except for a couple but nevertheless it was good. This break was very much needed. The weekend went by very slow, it was great. Great Weekend as well. Saturday, YFAMD had their showcase with Jeff Bernat. He was dope, and Chelsea G was amazing as well. The show was great, a very very good one. I'm get to start this 2nd semester and finish my senior year with a bang. Almost done cleaning my room, I'm very surprised and proud of myself for doing that. I really want to just get out of high school and start my future. I'm scared of not getting into ODU, or a college that I like. I heard Wesleyan sucked haha. Also, I'm trying to get this Photo Portfolio better. I need a shoe mount flash for it. Dinky said he'd gimme his battery grip. Stoked about that. I was watching Kung Fu Panda on Saturday, and the turtle said "You need to stop thinking about what will happen or what will it'd turn out to be. Because yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift." well something on the lines of that. haha And that line has been just been stuck in my head since then. I guess that was just a little reminder to myself that I just need to do what I have to do each and every day rather than thinking about how it will affect my life tomorrow or next week or so on. This past week has been very crazy, for lack of a better word. I really have been just doing a lot of thinking and talking to myself. I just need to grab a hold of my life and do what I do best, which is me.

I just wanna give up on everything. I feel like now I have just wasted everything but not doing my best and slacking off. I really hate this feeling. Today was just an awful day, it started off bad to begin with. Didn't feel good for the entire morning, but it went away somehow. Then the rest of the school day was good, went and played basketball. It was an overall okay day for me. I just feel worse than it really was. I really don't know what has gotten into me the last couple days. Now that final exams are next week, I am not pleased with where my grades stand. 1 A, 1 C, and the rest are B's. I could have so gotten straight A's if I actually applied myself. I regret being lazy and slacking off so much now. I don't even know what I want to do after high school, college for sure. But I don't know what I want to major in, or even be. The future is just so annoying right now. But I wore my glasses for the first time to school today. Everyone liked them, but like Mr. Grimes and Ms. Arroyo and Ms. Street said I look older. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad, but looking older than i really am wasn't really what I was aiming for. I have an SAT tomorrow morning, which I really don't want to take. I didn't even wanna take it to begin with, but stupid stupid stupid people. I really am in a depressed state of mind right now. I feel like nothing is working out for me. I'm scared outta my mind now that ODU is looking at my application, I don't want to get rejected. I really just hate myself right now. And it's not good.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even want to go to college right now, I just don't want to do anything. I really just am in a hole and just don't know what is it that I am striving for. I don't know what I am living for from day-to-day.

January 19, 2011

Today, my day was good. Life has been good. Run down: went to school, it was it's usual boring. then went and balled at the court. Fun times. It was just so chill today, I'm not complaining. Oh and the weather, it was great. Tomorrow is early release and hopefully gonna ball tomorrow as well. Lately, I have been getting back in shape for tennis and just for my overall health. I also want to get in shape for Fil-Am basketball, that is if I get on the team. I need some new basketball shoes, and maybe just use my old shoes for tennis. Also, you know I couldn't have blogged without talking about girls. lolol. So lately me and Desi have been texting again. I don't mind it. The other day a lot of things happened. Steph asked her if she was talking to me again, then she was like yeah but only as friends, but I guess she didn't believe her??? I'm not sure, what we wanna know is who told her. Neither her nor I told anyone that me and her were talking. But you know I had to ask her if we were talking as friends or you know talking again. Sadly, it's just as friends. But I don't mind, she told me "you know how it worked out before.". Yeahh before was definitely a really a lot of commotion and like unneccessary things happened. Like people telling her to stop talking to me, and what not like who are you guys to tell her who to talk too. I understand that you all are protective of her because she is the baby of the group. But she's growing up, she isn't that little girl you guys knew before. I think it's time you guys just let her do her own thing, like make her own decisions and stop babying her. I'm not saying this because of what happened, it's just a general statement about her. But yeah , hopefully you still like me, but you know how things always work out how I want them too, they never do. But if you do, if we never work out then you know it's fine with me. Still talking everyday is good with me. Honestly, I just want you happy. If it's happiness with another guy, then sobeit. I just want you happy and smiling. I hate how your always like miserable, and how people treat you like your nothing and how they don't respect that you are the only one that knows what's best for you. I don't like how people treat you like your incapable of making decisions. I wish you would step up and stand up for yourself. Tell them that you know what you are doing and that they shouldn't be worrying about you. I wish you could do that, for yourself. Like I said, I want you happy. Your too good of a person to be always down. I love your smile, and wanna see that all the time and never want to see you fake it. You are like the only one that I know that takes the time outta their day to talk to me. Well yeah I have my friends that I talk to and text, but you do this consistently. I really like it, you make me feel like I actually matter. Like you really care about me. I get a smile on my face whenever you text me. Alright enough with the gooey stuff. haha

I just realized that I am NEVER going to date you. Your just so hung up on age that you will let that keep two people apart. I think it's pretty lame, if you ask me, but that's just how I feel. Honestly, if two people like each other and want to be together than why let anything get in the way, unless it is a legit reason. I, for one, do not think age falls into the "legit reason" category. Being two years old than someone when you are 11 and 13, is the exact same when you are 15 and 17, and the exact same when you are 50 and 52. My parents are almost five years apart, FIVE YEARS. There isn't anything wrong with them, you don't see anyone complaining or saying anything. Also, my auntie and uncle are almost ten years apart, ten years. That means one of them was almost 10 when the other was born. See age shouldn't come in between two people that like each other. This isn't even about our relationship we have, it's about how you feel about age. I mean unless you can get over that you and I will never be together. And that really sucks, because kid, I really like you. I cannot get over you. You are definitely not perfect, but there is something about you that keeps me attracted to you. I think you are one hell of a cutie. You have amazing talents in dance and entertaining. Your personality is absolutely gorgeous. The way you are not even shy around anyone amazes me. I like you, for you. I'm pretty sure you recognize that, but WE could have been dating if YOU hadn't been so hung up on AGE. I'm sorry but that's shallow.