Why is it that we have great days and just bad days whenever we talk? One day it is if everything is just fine and dandy, then the next is like awkward and horrible. This whole thing is so confusing. Now I realize that you don't think anything is going on between us, well from what you told me. I don't know, I, I mean we, have plenty of things to think about for the next two and a half months. I'm just confused about everything you know? I wish we had kept the relationship we had since last summer, but we didn't. Things happened, we both have changed. I wonder what you tell other people about me, like I wonder about what you say about me and about everything. How do I know you aren't just telling me what I wanna hear so we won't end up fighting again? Now now, this isn't a trust issue, of course not, it's just an insecurity that I have. You are extremely special to me and important. You may get on my last nerve, but I cannot be mad at you forever. I feel like I can tell you everything. You know how to make me smile, and talking to you brightens up my day. I told you all of this, but it seems like now the feelings aren't mutual. I don't know anymore, I know you don't either but this is killing me. This over analyzing and repetitive thinking of the same situation is getting old. It annoys me, how do I not know what to do? It makes me change my mind constantly, and now I'm unsure of what I want. But nevertheless, sooner or later a decision is gonna have to be made. For the better or worse, it will happen.

May 26th 2011

So graduation is in a few days. I don't wanna say goodbye to anyone. I don't like it. And move-in day will be so sad, I hope I don't cry. I miss will everyone. Especially a select few. I am so glad you and I are back on good terms. Even though we are confused on our situation, and don't know what to do, I am glad we still talk. You are like my best friend. Honestly, I haven't told you that but you are. You are supportive of me and my choices and always there to talk too. I'm so sorry that I can't fix all your problems for you, trust me if I could, I would. I don't know what it is about you that makes me keep coming back. I don't even know what will happen when I leave for VCU, I hope you don't forget me. You will meet so many other guys, better guys than me and worse guys. But I don't know if any other guy will put up the effort and go through the things I have gone through just to be with you. And the funny thing is, we didn't even go out! haha But yeahh I won't forget you. I thought today what if neither of us lose the feelings we have for each other, that will be so crazy. But we'd have to wait til you are 18. haha I honestly, wouldn't mind spending a long time with you. I feel like you make me a better person. I really care about you still. I don't know kid, I hope you feel the same as me. But I doubt it, there are better guys and better looking than I am. So next year, I will be the least of your worries and of everyone elses. I wish you nothing but the best for the future.

May 8th 2011

So there has been a lot that been going on in my life lately. With graduation in less than a month, prom, performances to family problems and personal problems, my life could not be in the position it is in with out all these things. Prom is this Friday and pretty excited about it, I'm taking my friend Sherlyn. I don't know what are the before and after prom plans, but I wanna have a good time and party. Lately, my photography "business" has kicked off and have had two gigs in the past two weeks. I'm still an amateur, so forgive me people, and I am still constantly learning about everything. The plans for college next year are as follows, Major: Undecided; School: Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU). I might switch into the Business Program and major in Business Administration. I also have interests in minoring in Photography, if it is possible. I am very excited to graduate and am very anxious. So just lately have things have cleared up with me and Desi. We have finally talked about everything that possibly left question marks above our heads. I'll quote her too.

Me: why do you act like nothing happened between us

Desi: cause thats what i do i dont know. so its not award with everyone else and i dont want to ruin the relationship we have with Megan and the relationship you have with Christian.

Me:oh okay cause im just like idk how you can just act like nothing happened. it was just strange to me

Desi: i told you im not like all those other girls. if something happened between us then it did. it doesnt have to affect everyone. like honestly when it got very awkward between us every time we saw each other everyone started to noticing so yeah thats why i started to act like normal like nothing ever happened.

Me: when did it get awkward?

Desi: when right after we stopped talking and if we did see each other we wouldnt say hi or anthing i knew you were upset or mad at me i just was like ohh okay guess i wont say hi

Me: ohh yeahh i was yeahh

Desi: yeahh and about my phone dieing and crap i wasnt lieing to you if you thought i was which probably you do but yeah i wasnt

Me: oh im not mad about that, i was but when you told me you werent i believe you. sorry i thought that.

Desi: then what were you mad about you knew there was nothing going to happen and i told you that

Me: i was mad about that whole thing when you told me you liked some other kid like a week later. to me i felt that, that whole time we talked meant nothing to you. you meant a lot to me and it was hard for me to get over that.

Desi: are you talking about ian? i knew that kid since like 6 or 7th grade. when we talked it did mean something to me. i was upset too but everyone told me to get over it so i did. i never forgot what happened between us you meant a lot to me too. everyone already prepared me for what to do if i did start talking to someone and if it would end then just get over it. thats why i dont really show or say how i feel or anything like that anymore.

Me: oh okay well then im sorry that i acted like that. i should have been so mad about that. i didnt know.

Desi: yeah you dont understand how much everyone was on my case about you

Me: ohhh i m sorry i didnt mean too. i didnt know talking/liking you was gonna cause that much controversy. like i said im sorry about all this and it was my fault.

Desi: yeah im sorry everyone if over protective and its not your fault. dont blame yourself.

Me: Yeah i should have stopped when i found out your age.

Desi: Yeahh me too so technically its both our faults in the first place.

So this is how the conversation went, it definitely made my perspective on that whole situation better. But you know still some shady areas, like how are you going to only give me the excuse that you known that kid since 6th or 7th grade for liking him a week after we stopped talking. like it just doesn't make sense. Yes i know that we have a vast difference in maturity. Maturity as in how well you handle situations and have much experience you have with other people. I mean you have never gotten into a relationship, in fact I was the first person you actually talked too. I have only been in two relationships, and the one with you was so much different. You were almost like my best friend. I could trust you with anything, talk to you about everything. But now i guess we're just like strangers, again. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY) It sucks from having the person you care about the person just like disappear in a second. I missed you. But now, it feels like its a whole new ball game, things changed. I changed, You changed, We've changed. Things won't ever be nearly as they used to be. The thing is everyone basically put me down and discouraged you in talking to me. It was ridiculous. I know it wasn't right in the first place talking to someone three years younger than i was. But it happened, and you guys got in the way of our true feelings. We could withstand it after couple months, but then the constant nagging and talks were annoying. Now granted, they haven't actually talked to me about it, she would tell me what would happen after they gave her the talk. I understand their perspective though, trying to protect her from other guys trying to hurt her, but I mean you guys barely know me. I wasn't that type of guy to hurt her, or take advantage of her. That's not me. I just wanted her simply in my life. She made me happy, and talking to her like that summer was, I was content. I didn't need an official relationship with her, because the one we were sharing was the best one. I was heartbroken when everything stopped. We stopped all talking and communication. Didn't see each other for months. My life felt like it stopped and came to an end. I guess you could say I'm still heartbroken. I was so upset that it came to an end, i avoid any way to seeing you in person. For a long time, I did not even want to see your face or talk to you. It was like I was in disgust, I was bitter. I'm sorry for the trouble I have caused you, and stress.