First Semester of this school year is finally over. Finals went great except for a couple but nevertheless it was good. This break was very much needed. The weekend went by very slow, it was great. Great Weekend as well. Saturday, YFAMD had their showcase with Jeff Bernat. He was dope, and Chelsea G was amazing as well. The show was great, a very very good one. I'm get to start this 2nd semester and finish my senior year with a bang. Almost done cleaning my room, I'm very surprised and proud of myself for doing that. I really want to just get out of high school and start my future. I'm scared of not getting into ODU, or a college that I like. I heard Wesleyan sucked haha. Also, I'm trying to get this Photo Portfolio better. I need a shoe mount flash for it. Dinky said he'd gimme his battery grip. Stoked about that. I was watching Kung Fu Panda on Saturday, and the turtle said "You need to stop thinking about what will happen or what will it'd turn out to be. Because yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift." well something on the lines of that. haha And that line has been just been stuck in my head since then. I guess that was just a little reminder to myself that I just need to do what I have to do each and every day rather than thinking about how it will affect my life tomorrow or next week or so on. This past week has been very crazy, for lack of a better word. I really have been just doing a lot of thinking and talking to myself. I just need to grab a hold of my life and do what I do best, which is me.

I just wanna give up on everything. I feel like now I have just wasted everything but not doing my best and slacking off. I really hate this feeling. Today was just an awful day, it started off bad to begin with. Didn't feel good for the entire morning, but it went away somehow. Then the rest of the school day was good, went and played basketball. It was an overall okay day for me. I just feel worse than it really was. I really don't know what has gotten into me the last couple days. Now that final exams are next week, I am not pleased with where my grades stand. 1 A, 1 C, and the rest are B's. I could have so gotten straight A's if I actually applied myself. I regret being lazy and slacking off so much now. I don't even know what I want to do after high school, college for sure. But I don't know what I want to major in, or even be. The future is just so annoying right now. But I wore my glasses for the first time to school today. Everyone liked them, but like Mr. Grimes and Ms. Arroyo and Ms. Street said I look older. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad, but looking older than i really am wasn't really what I was aiming for. I have an SAT tomorrow morning, which I really don't want to take. I didn't even wanna take it to begin with, but stupid stupid stupid people. I really am in a depressed state of mind right now. I feel like nothing is working out for me. I'm scared outta my mind now that ODU is looking at my application, I don't want to get rejected. I really just hate myself right now. And it's not good.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even want to go to college right now, I just don't want to do anything. I really just am in a hole and just don't know what is it that I am striving for. I don't know what I am living for from day-to-day.

January 19, 2011

Today, my day was good. Life has been good. Run down: went to school, it was it's usual boring. then went and balled at the court. Fun times. It was just so chill today, I'm not complaining. Oh and the weather, it was great. Tomorrow is early release and hopefully gonna ball tomorrow as well. Lately, I have been getting back in shape for tennis and just for my overall health. I also want to get in shape for Fil-Am basketball, that is if I get on the team. I need some new basketball shoes, and maybe just use my old shoes for tennis. Also, you know I couldn't have blogged without talking about girls. lolol. So lately me and Desi have been texting again. I don't mind it. The other day a lot of things happened. Steph asked her if she was talking to me again, then she was like yeah but only as friends, but I guess she didn't believe her??? I'm not sure, what we wanna know is who told her. Neither her nor I told anyone that me and her were talking. But you know I had to ask her if we were talking as friends or you know talking again. Sadly, it's just as friends. But I don't mind, she told me "you know how it worked out before.". Yeahh before was definitely a really a lot of commotion and like unneccessary things happened. Like people telling her to stop talking to me, and what not like who are you guys to tell her who to talk too. I understand that you all are protective of her because she is the baby of the group. But she's growing up, she isn't that little girl you guys knew before. I think it's time you guys just let her do her own thing, like make her own decisions and stop babying her. I'm not saying this because of what happened, it's just a general statement about her. But yeah , hopefully you still like me, but you know how things always work out how I want them too, they never do. But if you do, if we never work out then you know it's fine with me. Still talking everyday is good with me. Honestly, I just want you happy. If it's happiness with another guy, then sobeit. I just want you happy and smiling. I hate how your always like miserable, and how people treat you like your nothing and how they don't respect that you are the only one that knows what's best for you. I don't like how people treat you like your incapable of making decisions. I wish you would step up and stand up for yourself. Tell them that you know what you are doing and that they shouldn't be worrying about you. I wish you could do that, for yourself. Like I said, I want you happy. Your too good of a person to be always down. I love your smile, and wanna see that all the time and never want to see you fake it. You are like the only one that I know that takes the time outta their day to talk to me. Well yeah I have my friends that I talk to and text, but you do this consistently. I really like it, you make me feel like I actually matter. Like you really care about me. I get a smile on my face whenever you text me. Alright enough with the gooey stuff. haha

I just realized that I am NEVER going to date you. Your just so hung up on age that you will let that keep two people apart. I think it's pretty lame, if you ask me, but that's just how I feel. Honestly, if two people like each other and want to be together than why let anything get in the way, unless it is a legit reason. I, for one, do not think age falls into the "legit reason" category. Being two years old than someone when you are 11 and 13, is the exact same when you are 15 and 17, and the exact same when you are 50 and 52. My parents are almost five years apart, FIVE YEARS. There isn't anything wrong with them, you don't see anyone complaining or saying anything. Also, my auntie and uncle are almost ten years apart, ten years. That means one of them was almost 10 when the other was born. See age shouldn't come in between two people that like each other. This isn't even about our relationship we have, it's about how you feel about age. I mean unless you can get over that you and I will never be together. And that really sucks, because kid, I really like you. I cannot get over you. You are definitely not perfect, but there is something about you that keeps me attracted to you. I think you are one hell of a cutie. You have amazing talents in dance and entertaining. Your personality is absolutely gorgeous. The way you are not even shy around anyone amazes me. I like you, for you. I'm pretty sure you recognize that, but WE could have been dating if YOU hadn't been so hung up on AGE. I'm sorry but that's shallow.